The Emporium’s Crafty Corner (featuring little or actually no sewing at all). All craft making has been tested on human specimens that have no creative ability what so ever. So with this in mind, may I introduce to the glamorous and gammon smelling Ms Krusty Allstroppy …
Snuffle, snort! Hello my dearest publics and may I welcome you all to the rather inferior and slightly disappointing world of small projects, especially designed for the easily distracted and … how should I put it .. not so able crafter. Remember Tracy Island dear reader? Remember how your child yearned for the real, newly packaged Thunderbirds toylet from the shiny Gamleys in the High Street? And do you remember what happened to Gamleys? Jesus dear viewer! They went into bloody liquidation because you starting fucking about with PVA and toilet rolls! And do you think your child has ever forgiven you for the birthday gift of a prolapse in a box? Biddy Baxter broke a lot of innocent bodies and minds that year. Well my clueless dearheart, let me ease away the tears of disappointment and sorrow and cast new tears of pure indifference with this kind and simple craft that will take just under 5 of your earth minutes (if your preference is gas and not electricity). So come hither and make something dated and useless a little bit more dated and useless instead …
(Tracy Island – a pooers worst nightmare)
BE A RECORD BREAKER (or melter as the case may be)!
1 record (album or single, size doesn’t matter)*
- Ahem! If you do not possess a record you may purchase one at your local charity shop (like what I done don’t you know).
(My charity purchase, “Daniel O’Donell – featuring such classics as “Summertime in Ireland” and “My Side of the Road”. Altogether now …)
* If you do not know what a “record” is, it was what us “old folk” use to listen to and buy at Tower Records back in the days of our youth – if you have not heard of Tower Records, Black Tower, Blue Nun and Blue Velvet you are not welcome here! Go on with you, sod off and come back when you have responsibilities or whiskers on your chin and down below regions!
(Blue Velet – great family film)
1. Take your record to the kitchen and pop your oven onto Gas Mark 6.
2. Take one moog (we do not use the word “mug” in the Allstrop household, for fear of cockney rhyming slang and someone breaking wind), and lay down your shiny plastic circumference on its rear end like so …
(We’re having a Gang Bang. We’re having a ball)
3. Place in the middle of your preheated oven.
(Using a wooden oven can be dangerous – please ask for parents permission and then totally disregard what they say, for they are old and they never fully understood you and didn’t like you anyway, no one does)
4. After approximately 20 seconds have a check to see if your Daniel is all hot and melty (like sexy cheese). If so, use protection on both hands and take out the oven. Then mould and squeeze around your moog until truly satisfied.
(Hello children! Play spot the difference betwixt this fine picture and the tother one. By the way children, you really shouldn’t be reading this, as it has swears in it. Best not to learn to read at all, then no harm it done)
5. Wait to cool down and by jolly! – you have your very own record bowl that you can use for all sorts of apparatus such as … things.
(Oh! Well that’s a wasted 50 pence then)
6. My serving suggestion dear reader – is to use as a handy holder for ladies absorbent providers which adds the finishing detail to any bathroom or kitchen.
(Oh, Mr O’Donnell! With this pad selection, you are really spoiling us)
7. Turn off that television box, sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour.
8. Turn the telly on again – or have a sleep.
And there you are my dear publics. A beautiful creation that perhaps you can give to your adult child to try to ease their torn and hopeless soul (such pain. So much pain). Enjoy!
Keep Snuffling for truffles!