Hello my kinky creatives!  Welcome, one and all to the Emporium’s boudoir of liquid compounds and twanging flesh!  Are you ready to take our relationship to the next level we ask you?  “We’re not sure!  We’ve only known each other for a couple of months!”  – we hear you whimper – “We’re not sure we like you in that way!  Can we just be friends?”  Well, certainly not!  Get your tatties baked and your flannels damp for the sexy ride of your very life lines, for it’s time to open the curtains to …

THE EMPORIUM’S SUMMER SAUCE SPECIAL!!! 

Close up of Pin Cushion – by Miss C

“Yo, I don’t think we should talk about  this.”  “Come  on, why not?”  “People might  misunderstand what we’re tryin’ to say, you know?”  “No, but that’s a part of life, come on …”

(Salt N Pepa – Let’s Talk about Sex)

***

LITTLE SEW AND SEW – WHAT’S PINK, THICK AND LONG?

This make is a doozie!  And takes little time to prepare.  Handy for those who are in mood for a quickie!

Ingredients:

What you will need for this make …

One glove, Additional adornments and Sausages (or equivalent)

1.  Cut finger off glove at the base  (preferred size, I am going for the pointy finger here, but you may choose the thumb for short and stubby, or perhaps prefer a finger small).

2.  Decorate as desired.

3.  And Ta-dah!  You have a delicious sausage headpiece in seconds and you’ll be the crown and glory of all middle aged swinging parties about ta-town!

Come on!  Don’t stand on ceremony!  Chomp down, tuck in and enjoy your meaty snack!

This recipe can also be altered for a vegetarian option …

***

“I think of you and lick my lips.  You’ve got the taste I can’t resist.  Can’t resist – can’t resist.  

Let’s eat to the beat!”

(Fast Food Rockers – Fast Food Song)

***

DOWN BELOW QUERIES – WITH OUR RESIDENT AGONY AUNT

BERYL THE DOG!

Dear Beryl

Please can you confirm the proper etiquette for the reading Fifty Shades of Grey? If one does not wish to purchase a new copy, can one borrow a friend’s copy and how does one ask? If one was to purchase a second hand copy, how does one determine cleanliness of paper? One does not wish to sully oneself with a Kindle copy.

Kindest Regardmentals

Chlamydia Cox

Dear Chlamydia

Although Kindle is a rather crass form of reading the literacy giants (such as Austin or Dickens) – I propose for such a book as “50 Shades” that it may act as a bonus on the wipeability stakes.

With regards to sharing with a friend or purchasing second hand, check before exchanging hands shakes or money that the book has previously been laminated on certain pages (there is a lot of gumpf at the beginning before all the hotness approaches the loins – and unless you know that the previous owner is aroused by new trainers and damp head hair, this segment of the book does not warrant such coating).

If passing the book to a fellow friend – consider washing your hands and using antibacterial spray.

Please remember: the main rule of sharing an erotic book is always use protection (perhaps a little too late for you dear Miss Cox)!

Doggy Style Regards

Beryl x

Dear Beryl

Please help!

I have a problem with loss of sensation down below.  I have recently been to see my Doctor and he has told me that my clitoris is located in my throat.  He has suggested and shown me number of exercises to help me achieve orgasm.  Also, I find that once I have reached climax I seem to hear church bells ringing.  Is this normal?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully

Linda Lovelace

Dear Linda

If your Doctor informs you that your clitoris is in your throat, he is talking utter nonsense!  I would suggest immediately taking his penis out of your mouth and calling the police.

X rated

Beryl x

(Hilary Bennett – please send our warmest regards to Miss Cox – and one hopes that it clears up soon)

***

“I was not looking for Linda, but Linda found me.” 

(Hue and Cry – Looking for Linda)

***

50 SHADES OF KNIT – THE RAMBLINGS OF GUEST WRITER HILARY BENNETT

I’ve got this problem…and it’s a mighty big one, Sir…oh, there I go again. You see, I have a delicate, indeed rather intimate issue…..I am rather prone to knitting rudeness where there is no call for it and any intended rudeness is cute. Please excuse me also, as I have a terrible case of the Euphemisms. An awful affliction which strikes at random whether I want it to or not.

While a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste and I see ladyparts in trees and all art is phallic. I am cursed to knit Daleks that turn out like a gentleman’s gentleman and a knitted condom looks like a cutsie hat. Please do not fret yourselves as to why I was knitting a condom. It was just an inconceivable idea one had. As a rule of thumb, knitting anything remotely gherkin shaped in any pink shade is asking for trouble…but with me, it could be green and sparkly and I have to give it an 18 certificate. After making a brightly woolled tank for a friend, she requested a range of peace and love weapons but alas, I tried to make a rocket…and you can imagine the rest. My anti war knit mojo had gone off the boil.

As we’ve now I hope, become acquainted and this is our ‘second date’, I feel the need to confess something. I have a sideline in knitting rude things. Especially the in the ‘downstairs human bean area’. They generally serve as icebreakers in social settings and a way to gauge a sense of humour and fun in someone without having to talk about the weather or me say something random and they walk away. I once made the perfect ladygusset, in two shades of pink and a sparkle but alas, I left it in the company of an acquaintance and now I cannot get it back easily. The knitted gusset or Kvuvla as I like to call it, also had my lucky safety pin attached to it and I really miss it. One cannot now knit on circular needles without eating cinnamon sweets for luck. I need my lucky safety pin back for the sake of my teeth.

Knitting a gentleman’s gentleman is a whole different ballgame. As it were. I’m not saying that they are naturally unattractive things but they are, aren’t they? So one has to make them more ascetically pleasing, with googly eyes and the same colour wool throughout so the eye sees a more fluid er thing. My scock as I like to call it, has made many an easy conversation at parties and I get myself remembered.  My only trouble is, that I never write my patterns down as I make, so each and every is different. All shapes and sizes. It is not the size that matters though. It is the neatness and precision. I do however have to apologise a lot as I sew up. But then again, I apologise to knitted monsters as I sew up the gusset. They live under my bed and one wouldn’t wish to upset them and the love I knit into them, gives them a soul.

Anyways, I have just been asked to knit a pancreas and must now have a good rummage. Oh and I mustn’t forget to turn the kettle on.

CR Hilary Bennett 6/12 Rioting Stories. *

***

“And down on the shore they gather romance,  she showed me much more, not only to dance…”

(Black Lace, Agadoo)

***

READ IT AND WEEP!

Read it and Weep is a new addition to the Emporium that we are mightily proud to introduce to you.  Once in a blue lagoon, we will pretend to get a celebrity guest to read an extract from a ficticious top rated book of our choice.  Please click on the following link to listen to the calming tones of the Captain reading “The Joy of Polyester” written in crayon by the self confessed nincompoop – Miss C…

***

Everyone can share the love.  Where we come from friends never say never.  Side by side. 

Satisfied, to stay right here in one square forever.” 

(Anita Dobson – Anyone can fall in Love)

***

WHAT IS NOT ART  – WITH GUEST WRITER

SISTER WINDY

We are exceedingly lucky girls to have not one but two guests writers at the Emporium for this weeks offerings.  Meet Sister Windy.  She has lived as a hermit and a consecrated virgin since spending a weekend with Marlon Brando and a tub of Marmite in the early 1980’s.  Although not a stranger to art on the biblical horizon, we decided that we would perhaps show her some artyness that her postulant eye may not have encountered before.  And we feel pretty safe in the knowledge that Saint Agnes and Lucy will be very proud of us for “seeing her right” – big up to the nun massive and all that!  Her thoughts and reactions are as follow …

The Fall of Man by Hendrick Goltzius

Sister Windy Contemplates …

Ah, yes!  Well, I know these two personally!  It’s Adam and Eve innit!  He looks like he’s caught an ivy problem on his down belows that I’m sure a little ointment would clear up in no time.  Not much going on here … must be a hot day!  Cat looks bored!

Only information one can find is that this piece of art was exhibited in a Museum somewhere in Hamburg!

Sister Windy Contemplates …

I have a feeling that I know what has happened here!  Father Abrahams has lost his umbrella and I think this unfortunately large bottomed lady must have sat on it.  Or perhaps he has mislaid his harp?

Unknown Sculptor and Performance Artist creating works around religious themes.

Sister Windy Contemplates …

Is it a “Spot the Difference?”  Just a minute – I’ll go and get my glasses …

Detail from The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch.

Sister Windy Contemplates …

I think this is rather inventive!  It is always a nice gesture to give and receive flowers and I always find that I am bereft of a vase.

The Emporium gives thanks to Sister Wendy’s musings – and she can expect a bunch from us pretty soon!

***

“Ooo –  slip out the back, Jack.”  (Paul Simon – 50 Ways to leave your Lover)

***

Well!  We’ve exhausted ourselves!  Time to have a good wash with a cotton bud and put all this shameful nonsense back in the cellar from whence it belongs.  We hope that you’ve enjoyed are creative romp through all that we know of sex.  We certainly have!  In fact the only thing that could ruin this rambancious randyness for us is a picture of Stephen Morrissey.

Oh great!  Well, that’s put me right off my kippers!#@

Thank you, Your Misery!  Caligula will be soooo disappointed in you!

*END*


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