The Emporium’s Crafty Corner (featuring little or actually no sewing at all). All craft making has been tested on human specimens that have no creative ability what so ever. So with this in mind, may I introduce to the glamorous and gammon smelling Ms Krusty Allstroppy …
Snuffle, snort! Hello my dearest publics and may I welcome you all to the rather inferior and slightly disappointing world of small projects, especially designed for the easily distracted and … how should I put it .. not so able crafter. Remember Tracy Island dear reader? Remember how your child yearned for the real, newly packaged Thunderbirds toylet from the shiny Gamleys in the High Street? And do you remember what happened to Gamleys? Jesus dear viewer! They went into bloody liquidation because you starting fucking about with PVA and toilet rolls! And do you think your child has ever forgiven you for the birthday gift of a prolapse in a box? Biddy Baxter broke a lot of innocent bodies and minds that year. Well my clueless dearheart, let me ease away the tears of disappointment and sorrow and cast new tears of pure indifference with this kind and simple craft that will take just under 5 of your earth minutes (if your preference is gas and not electricity). So come hither and make something dated and useless a little bit more dated and useless instead …
(Tracy Island – a pooers worst nightmare)
BE A RECORD BREAKER (or melter as the case may be)!
Ingredients:-
1 record (album or single, size doesn’t matter)*
1 oven
1 moog
- Ahem! If you do not possess a record you may purchase one at your local charity shop (like what I done don’t you know).
(My charity purchase, “Daniel O’Donell – featuring such classics as “Summertime in Ireland” and “My Side of the Road”. Altogether now …)
* If you do not know what a “record” is, it was what us “old folk” use to listen to and buy at Tower Records back in the days of our youth – if you have not heard of Tower Records, Black Tower, Blue Nun and Blue Velvet you are not welcome here! Go on with you, sod off and come back when you have responsibilities or whiskers on your chin and down below regions!
(Blue Velet – great family film)
1. Take your record to the kitchen and pop your oven onto Gas Mark 6.
2. Take one moog (we do not use the word “mug” in the Allstrop household, for fear of cockney rhyming slang and someone breaking wind), and lay down your shiny plastic circumference on its rear end like so …
(We’re having a Gang Bang. We’re having a ball)
3. Place in the middle of your preheated oven.
(Using a wooden oven can be dangerous – please ask for parents permission and then totally disregard what they say, for they are old and they never fully understood you and didn’t like you anyway, no one does)
4. After approximately 20 seconds have a check to see if your Daniel is all hot and melty (like sexy cheese). If so, use protection on both hands and take out the oven. Then mould and squeeze around your moog until truly satisfied.
(Hello children! Play spot the difference betwixt this fine picture and the tother one. By the way children, you really shouldn’t be reading this, as it has swears in it. Best not to learn to read at all, then no harm it done)
5. Wait to cool down and by jolly! – you have your very own record bowl that you can use for all sorts of apparatus such as … things.
(Oh! Well that’s a wasted 50 pence then)
6. My serving suggestion dear reader – is to use as a handy holder for ladies absorbent providers which adds the finishing detail to any bathroom or kitchen.
(Oh, Mr O’Donnell! With this pad selection, you are really spoiling us)
7. Turn off that television box, sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour.
8. Turn the telly on again – or have a sleep.
And there you are my dear publics. A beautiful creation that perhaps you can give to your adult child to try to ease their torn and hopeless soul (such pain. So much pain). Enjoy!
Keep Snuffling for truffles!
Krusty
Materials
Notebook/diary
Square piece of fabric – enough to cover a notebook with a 2cm seam allowance
Button or other embellishment
Glue
Scissors
Pencil
Method
1) Iron your piece of fabric.
2) Place fabric right side down. Open up the notebook, place on your fabric and draw around the edge, leaving a 2cm seam.
3) Cut out each corner, remembering not to cut over the outline of your notebook.
4) Cut two notches at the spine of your notebook. To do this place your notebook on the fabric to line up correctly.
5) Place your notebook on the fabric with the front facing the back of the material. Glue the top and bottom edges of one side and fold the fabric over, wiping up any excess glue.
6) Glue the long edge and fold over the fabric, again wiping up any excess glue.
7) Leave open to dry. Put your feet up whilst your waiting for it to dry.
8) Repeat steps 5-6 for the back of the notebook…put the kettle on….
9) When it’s dry, add any embellishments you like. I glued two buttons on top of each other to the front, leaving to dry until firmly attached. You could anything – ribbon, beads, etc. You could even embroider a cute motif after you’ve finished step 4. Lots of fun possibilities!
This is such a fun, easy, quick project that you’ll be covering everything with fabric that you can lay your hands on! Enjoy!
Cheers,
Jo 🙂 x
It is time once again my fellow fruitcakes for another small make for the uncreative and infirm of us. For this make you will need some of these …
“I’m a crayon and I like to make colourful pictures!” SHUT UP YOU SLAGS!
I don’t like crayons. They are nearly as crap as a fully grown turd (but at least a sturdy stool will make its mark without you pressing too hard and snapping its head off – well, it does in my bowl). Infact, they have previously made me so very angry, that I have wasted many hours of my very busy living talking to numerous therapists (their conclusions have been unanimous, as they suggest my parents are to blame – which I entirely agree with).
Boo to you crayon! I say Boo!
So this is what I suggest you do with them …
Invite them over, turn the lights down low, put on something a little sexy (but not too revelling – a polyester nightdress with the top buttons undone will very much do the trick) and play some rather seductive music (I hope you do realise that this is in reference to the crayons and not my parents – Who do you think I am? Some kind of sicko?) May I humbly suggest the following to get your waxy little sticks in the mood …
When we’re together, touchin’ each other, and our bodies do what we feel. When were dancin’, smoochin’ and swayin’ …
Now strip them!!!!
Crayons – naked and vulnerable – the way I like ’em!
And before they know what’s hit them. Snap and break them into to little pieces!!! Pop them into silicon baking cases make sure they are suited to the delights of the microwave (drat, have I spoiled the surprise) …
Squeal crayons … SQUEAL!
And melt them in the microwave (dag-nam it!) for approximately ten minutes (ahhh, I am feeling better already). To show the passing of time, here is a picture of the Schools and Colleges Countdown generally shown before an extremely informative and tedious man tried to tickle you with a bunsen burner …
Them crazy school and college dayz! Yo! (Gabba-Gabba)
Once the wax has fully melted pop them into the freezer compartment till fully set (be careful for the wax is hot and the crayon may just get its revenge by dripping on you. Them mucky ones).
ASDA are liars! The Lemonade lollies do not make your ears steam – everybody knows it’s the Cherryade ones!
Once set, take out of their cases and have a look at your new wax crayons. Pretty enough to eat eh, that is if you like the taste of crayon.
Can you guess which one was made from crayons and which were made from vegetable stock cubes?
Ta-Dum! Now you have thicker and prettier crayons and you can finish off your creative art project with ease and splendour.
The artists work is complete – “An ode to lost Poets” will be showing in a public convenience near you for the rest of your hamsters life. Amen!
Nice and good day to you!
The Emporium of Genius 