Dear music lovers, I have the most dreadful case of earworm and considering I have not listened to contemporary chamber music since the middle ages, I am currently, as they say, buggered in the drums (and yes, you will agree with me that you have actually heard that expression many times before, amen).  This is the mixed bag of plum chummers that I currently have to endure on a constant loop of musical madness (although some of the words have been changed to protect the innocent) …

Barry Ceiling:

Generally sang in the shower (the acoustics are marvellous).  I have never particularly been a fan of Lionel (or even ceilings if I’m being honest), but it works well when washing those areas other 80’s tracks just can not reach.

“Oh, what a feeling, when you’re dancing Barry Ceiling.”


To be sung in the kitchen, whilst bleaching moustache and other surfaces.

For anyone that is lucky not to know of Archie the Inventor, he is an inventor, he lives in a pink castle and he makes things out of toilet rolls.  I think he may have inherited some money along the way, as his inventions may have been patented, but by Christ they were crap.

“I’m Archie the inventor.  I know how things are done.  I can do absolutely anything.  Inventing up your bum.”

Hilltop Hospital:

A song that can been used for anytime and anyplace.  This hasn’t actually been aired for a number of years now.  I can’t imagine why.  Voiceovers by Paul McShane and Dame Thora Hird (god bless you and goodnight).

“Da, da, da, da, da.  da-da, da, da, at Hilltop Hospit-tal.  If you’re well.  They will make you ill.  Bloody hell down at Hilltop Hospit-tal.”


One more for the shower (generally for an evening spruce as one get slightly sticky throughout the days earworm).  Again, not a great fan of the Michaels (George, Buble, Barrymore, my ex boss), but you are very welcome to come and watch me give the performance of my  showering life for a bottle of Sanex and a cheap bath sponge.

“Love changes everything.  Hands and fingers, teeth and toes.”

And one more …

Life Long Day

Although my version is slightly more up tempo.

So I have decided to invest in some of these.


Not to protect myself (for I realise it is too late for me), but to protect others from my unfortunate Kylie cursing.

Please, make it stop!

Thank you for listening.