Dear music lovers, I have the most dreadful case of earworm and considering I have not listened to contemporary chamber music since the middle ages, I am currently, as they say, buggered in the drums (and yes, you will agree with me that you have actually heard that expression many times before, amen). This is the mixed bag of plum chummers that I currently have to endure on a constant loop of musical madness (although some of the words have been changed to protect the innocent) …
Generally sang in the shower (the acoustics are marvellous). I have never particularly been a fan of Lionel (or even ceilings if I’m being honest), but it works well when washing those areas other 80’s tracks just can not reach.
“Oh, what a feeling, when you’re dancing Barry Ceiling.”
To be sung in the kitchen, whilst bleaching moustache and other surfaces.
For anyone that is lucky not to know of Archie the Inventor, he is an inventor, he lives in a pink castle and he makes things out of toilet rolls. I think he may have inherited some money along the way, as his inventions may have been patented, but by Christ they were crap.
“I’m Archie the inventor. I know how things are done. I can do absolutely anything. Inventing up your bum.”
A song that can been used for anytime and anyplace. This hasn’t actually been aired for a number of years now. I can’t imagine why. Voiceovers by Paul McShane and Dame Thora Hird (god bless you and goodnight).
“Da, da, da, da, da. da-da, da, da, at Hilltop Hospit-tal. If you’re well. They will make you ill. Bloody hell down at Hilltop Hospit-tal.”
One more for the shower (generally for an evening spruce as one get slightly sticky throughout the days earworm). Again, not a great fan of the Michaels (George, Buble, Barrymore, my ex boss), but you are very welcome to come and watch me give the performance of my showering life for a bottle of Sanex and a cheap bath sponge.
“Love changes everything. Hands and fingers, teeth and toes.”
And one more …
Life Long Day
Although my version is slightly more up tempo.
So I have decided to invest in some of these.
Not to protect myself (for I realise it is too late for me), but to protect others from my unfortunate Kylie cursing.
Please, make it stop!
Thank you for listening.
Two years ago, I was a bored housewife with a part time job.
Then I had a revelation!
Why not make videos?
Why not post them on Facebook?
And why not send them to Peter Serafinowicz and Marek Larwood and await in anticipation for them to adorn me with self raising flowers and athlete foot lotions of my choosing?
This is why not …
Building the First Bridge to Public Humiliation
At the ripe and slightly off age of 75, I happened to stumble upon one of my all time favourite “youth songs” on You of the Tube. Although I had never put it into practise, I had yearned to perform a theatrical dancing experience with lights, actions and lady boys. Unfortunately, being on a budget (and not actually knowing any lady boys by name or address) I was left with what follows as a means to an unsightly end (count yourself lucky, my second choice was the entire album of “War of the Worlds”) …
(Description: Warning! Fingers and suggestive boobs are used in this video. Not to be viewed by children under the age of 90).
Going for Last Place
Now, yes! Quite right. I should have stopped there and then. But whence placing it on that old devil called Facebook – I was pleasantly surprised and rather overjoyed with at least two people thumbing me in the “likes” region, and I felt elated out of my tiny trousers! I had hit the heady world of flotsam and famesome! I, quite frankly, was going to live forever! Why stop now? I’ve travelled so far (well, actually just up the stars to my spare room). So, like Michael Palin, I was off on my creative travels once more …
Description: Jenny Chitloose is multi talented in all areas but exceeds in expressive dance and trombone miming. She likes falling down, the colour brown and George Michael is her ideal man.
I think the actions speak for themselves here.
Ski Sloping down the Social Ladder
By this time, my number of two viewers had considerably dwindled and I found myself in a much darker and cabbagy place.
Description: Warning! This video contains bodily fluids and can give you a head rush – Don’t be naughty with your brain!
Finally and thankfully I eventually came to my senses when reading the following critics insightful and concise wordings …
I don’t know who you are, where you’re from, what you’ve done, but thank you. Your words have saved many people from scooping their eyes out with a spoon (bless you “Utopia”).
I never did hear from Peter or Marek.
Hello my Lime Regis Lovers! The Emporium has a little something for you in the guise of the talented and misguided Louise Robbins (former Bond Girl and Dominic Littlewood impersonator). A little less known fact about Ms Robbins is that she has also dabbled in the odd spot of impromptu kick boxing and wrestling. Read on, dear reader, to, erm, read some more …
There is one thing I can put it all down to – pernicketiness. Great word, not sure it actually exists, but great all the same. Or perhaps two things – mixing in a tad of contrariness. And a dwindling supply of patience… Make that THREE things, alright, but this is not turning into the Spanish Inquisition!
These three make a potent combination, I hear you say. Yet, by day I am a mild-mannered janitor – nurse with more than the requisite amount of care, consideration and compassion available for all.
So how does this manifest itself? When I lived in Londinium for many years, my favourite game was Annoy The Commuter, making even the most dull of journeys enlivened for all involved. Well, for me anyway… Please note this game may involve scheming my revenge for any wrongdoings. These may include such heinous crimes as Rucksackitis – inflammation caused by rucksacks wielded inappropriately on the tube – to I’m No Pushover – chasing an evil wench who pushed me over to poke her and call her only mildly rude names (well, we all have our limits). Ha!
Moving away from Londinium I thought I may calm down a bit. And I did, to some extent. Now I’m in the merry land of Wiltshire where many folk look and think like this:
the opportunity is not often there and perhaps I have mellowed with age. Or not. Recent encounters started mildly – on sharing lifts with those who complained about my musical taste resulted in the next journey involving me picking this little delight for their delectation.
Ha! A cacophony of noise for their little eardrums!!
And then there was the annoying incident of the scooter in the road in the early evening. Coming home to my little cul-de-sac after a hard day at work, I realised that some little devil spawn of Satan had left their scooter in the middle of the road.
So, being the safety-conscious, community-minded person that I am, I got out of my car and with a dash of melodrama, I flung it (yes, flung, ha ha!) on the pavement and drove past an open-mouthed mum and kids, giving them my best Paddington Bear glare. The fact that it was probably nothing to do with them was rather by-the-by…
Now I know why everyone likes to play baddies… All that adrenaline… Imagine, in another world I could have evil lightning fingers like the Emperor!
Perhaps the worst (and best) thing is my rejoicing in, and being unapologetic for, my little moments. The fellow Londoner I met in a pub in Bath, who, like me, automatically creates elbow room by, erm, sticking his elbows out so he can’t be bashed into by drunken staggerers or tube commuters. Diamond geezer, I may follow his advice and get my elbows steel plated for extra impact! Ha!
But perhaps there is a little bit of this in all of us. We all, at times, as Missy Elliot may have said, get our grump on! Even our beloved Mrs H, who kindly understood me saying that I never take time off in half-term because of “all the bloody kids”.
Oh and of course pernicketiness exists, I looked it up afterwards. Pernickety ol’ me!
The Emporium wishes to thank the above Ms Robbins for her honest wordings and apologise to all born and bred Wiltshire folk everywhere (but mainly in the location of Wiltshire).
I have met John McKie. From first impressions he seems friendly, calm and focused. This is obviously a lie.
John McKie shows a scrappy anxiety surrounding his words and pictures. His work gives off the impression of a frustrated madman (or genius, let’s face it, there is very little difference betwixt the two). I can imagine him, pacing the walls of his Satre cell (oh, hark at me and my 18 year old self), sharing his compact abode with a widescreen television the size and breadth of Buster Blood Vessell (before his weight loss) which is constantly showing the methane emissions of ITV2 in all its “My Life in Essex Matchmaking” entirety. Therefore his mind, needing to escape the humdrum celebratory jargon would lead him to the frantic scribbles on paper scraps, card, wife and anything that he can lay his twitchy hands on, and tardaah, an artist is born!
McKies’ work is quirky and funny, thought provoking and easy to relate to. He takes a mighty Booth shot at politics, religion, the colour orange and cheese sandwiches. His art is not pretentious and no real celebrities where harmed or maimed whilst drawing, which is a great pity.
So, before I go back to watching “Jeremy Kyle” on demand (yes, really), here are some Questions that have been answered by the man in question (and answered) …
1. Where do you get your inspiration from (said the wise man)?
I get my inspiration from the media mostly. How the world is presented to us by mostly entities who have a vested interest in us thinking in certain ways and doing certain things. It seems like on the whole our thoughts are directed to fit an agenda and an interesting and for me, sad part of this is that mostly people don’t see it, although many do. I believe very little of what I hear, see or read in our media and it drives me nuts, and I mean, bad nuts. War for profit ran by psychopaths, mindless celebrity stuff to keep our tiny minds occupied, three news stories per day to keep us talking and arguing between ourselves, propaganda, censorship, political correctness to control our thoughts. A lot of my time I’m on a bit of a knife edge, it makes me despair sometimes and laugh at others. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for us as a species, most of the people who rise to positions where they can decide the fate of others are destructive and lack empathy. They are power mad psychopaths. I think that will be our downfall. The people that I draw are products of this system. See, I’m quite serious. :)
2. Have you met any of the celebrities that you have defaced in the name of art?
No but I enjoy taking the mickey out of them sometimes. At one time though I used to cut people’s hair and Haircut 100, Anthony Newley, Greg Norman, Viv Nicholson (spend spend spend Viv), Buzz Aldrin, Nick Straker, Clair Torry from Dark Side of The Moon album, Prefab Sprout all had me on their head at one time or another. I was quite good at doing hair, I had magazine front covers and stuff like that. I can’t remember who I was then.
c. A penny for Peter Andre? Isn’t that a bit steep in this time of recession?
Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on that one. 2p then.
3. What is the best compliment you have received?
Somebody called me The Gorgeous John McKie on Facebook a little while ago. Two girls friended me on Facebook too recently and wanted me to run off with them, that was a great compliment but I had to block them in the end because it got too annoying. Spend Spend Spend Viv asked me out in about 1984. Somebody said that I suited my glasses and last year someone told me that they liked my shoes. I think that’s about it. I get a lot of very nice compliments about my pictures which gives me confidence.
3.3 And the worst?
People sometimes tell me that I look like Grant Mitchell but he always makes grunt noises and puts on a tough face and voice. I never put on a tough face. I’ve tried a few times but I always forget. Someone called my drawings trash once and that took a bit of getting over until I realised that his were unbelievably bad.
i. Da Vinci versus John McKie. Who would win at thumb war?
This is a tough one because Da Vinci was very, very well known for the strength of his thumbs. I think it would probably be a draw.
*. What are you having for tea tonight?
A cheese sandwich followed by a large piece of wood.
(Tombola). Will there be any leftovers?
That is hard to predict, but I very much doubt it.
Mrs H would like to give Mister McKie a great big one for taking time to answer all of the above.
If you would like further information with regardments to the man himself, please click on the following link:-
NOW GO TO BED!
Mrs H’s top hoe recommendations on what tickles her fancy in the world of sight, sound and something else …
Babble by Charles Saatchi (Booth-Clibbon Editions)
An interesting read about the knowledge and opinions that reside in the Saachi Brain. Chapters that at the very most are three pages short, covering such diverse subjects as “Your Last Meal on Death Row” to the delights of “Do you have a Toilet Face?”, with a smattering of personal thinks and thoughts with reference to the art and advertising world. Funny, informative and self deprecating. Reading “Babble” is almost as if you have invited Saatchi and wife to a drunken night of verbal debauchery whilst playing Pictionary and feasting on a Bargain Bucket.
Once (Written and directed by John Carney)
If the heady world of Jazz hands and epic musical numbers is not for you this little cracker is. Unpretentious and shot for a budget of €130,000 (and featuring professional musicians), the film focuses on the love story between a Dublin Busker and an Immigrant Czech flower girl. Due to its success, the film has now been turned into a musical and is presently showing at the Phoenix Theatre in London. Catch the original first on DVD and grab yourself a mansized box of tissues for extra measure. Not for sticky man juice by gubbens! Why do you always have to be so mean?
Here’s Willy Moon (Island Records)
Inspired by the 50’s, but keeping it real with a “brand new beat”, babies and grannies alike are bound to feel a common toe tapping sensation when our Willy’s in the house. If you are a proud owner of a telly box you will be familiar with “Yeah, Yeah”, which has been used to promote the successful portable gramophone player assembled by fruit. His new album features this natty little song, but my favourite so far is his first release entitled “I Wanna be your Man”. It’s short and sweet with a sound not dissimilar to singing in a NHS Hospital corridor that the government has unsuccessfully tried to close down. Our Willy gives a resounding “up yours” to the overproduced singles of the day. Catch the video for some serious dad dancing and a Platoon like moment (with less mess and not so much death). And may I just add, who couldn’t adore a man with such a title, although my personal preference would be to call him “Dicky Bumshow”, but that’s just me and my old fashioned ways.
Words and pictures by Hilary Bennett
Today I saw a lady so grand
Doing a naked handstand.
She had no neck or head
No titties or legs
The lady was, in fact a tree.
I hope you understand.
Wheat Allergies Apply Here, a Poem (of sorts)
by Jenny Chitloose
I went to a trombone player,
To buy a loaf of bread.
I went to see Leo Sayer,
To buy a loaf of bread.
I went to a sausage maker,
To buy a loaf of bread.
I went to see Cheryl Baker,
To buy a loaf of bread.
I went to see Liberace,
But he was rather dead.
So I went to my local ASDA,
And bought one there instead.
Perhaps that should have been my first port of call, but I wasn’t too sure what time they closed on a Sunday, but as it is they stay open till 5pm, so I had plenty of time.
If you think you can do any better than the quality of work shown above, please drop us a poem at our message centre at The Emporium of Genius Fbook page or contact us at email@example.com. We look forward to mulling over your couplets.
(*Corporate puppetry does)
We all have unfinished business. Whether it be a project, the ironing or a divorce settlement. Here are just a few of ours to make you feel less inadequate:
Mrs H’s business:
I have to admit that I don’t actually have a lot of unfinished business myself. Now, this isn’t because I finish things. It’s actually because I don’t get started in the first place. I think of an idea, get very excited about developing the concept, consider how much work I would have to do and how high the competition might be and then go for a sleep. So, from this you might be able to deduce that I am a calm and contented little soul …
But I do have a couple of unresolved issues that one has to get off ones chesticles …
Decoupage the Dog
I was at rather at a loss as to what to get ones friends for a certain birthday (40) age. I was racking my tiny brain cell for some inspiration, whence I came across one of these (minus ears and batteries) in a charity shop. My first reaction was buy! And my second was (and I think you will a agree with me here) decoupage!
So I frantically set about preparing the ripping of the paper and the gluing of glue. Started sticking and gluing and then found that the whole thing was just a little too foolish and sticky even for my liking.
And so we have a half decoupaged K9, sitting under ones coatstand, guarding the First Aid box, just in case burglars steal a band aid.
My friend is now 75 years of age and lives in warden assisted accommodation where one is not allowed to keep retired robot doggies from rebooted telly shows. What the Who?
Thank you for being a Friend
Many years ago I had a friend (for those that know me, this may be hard to believe). This friend of ours had a female friend. The female was not my choice. The female was the friends’ choice. So in order to keep friends with my friend I embraced her with open arms and pretended that she was my friend. But she wasn’t my friend. My friend was my friend. You get the idea.
They married and multiplied (which was unfortunate) and the fifty of them came to stay overnight (as in an overnight stay in order to gain ground on their true destination that they would leave for the next day) at my property. All was nice and all was calm.
In a totally unprovoked attack that very night over a game of Strip Scrabble and a light cheese board, she verbally abused me with such wordings as, “You bore me”, “Your fashion sense sucks”, “Your house smells of toilet and so does your breath” and worst, much worse than that “Your passion for Duncan from Blue is somewhat unhealthy”.
Although some of the above wasn’t actually said by the aforementioned “friends” female partner, the words I have chosen carry the spirit of what was actually alleged to on that day, and instead of my kind self opening the door and requesting that she left my premises forever, I found myself speaking in silence and saying nothing.
And so they stayed over night, left the next day, and I haven’t heard a jot from them since.
I suppose I should have known that was our last night together. Foresight is such a valuable gift. Perhaps I am concerned for my mute offering of words on the night and perhaps the lack of vocal ability is very well my “Unfinished Business”, but I believe in the old adage “Actions speak louder than words”. So please do not think ill of me, and know that one condones violence in any bestial form or flight of fancy, but one regrets from the bottom of ones biscuit tin that one didn’t have the initiative to tie up ones Doc Martins and kick the cunt in her hairy fanny.
Ah regrets, I have a few …
Jenny Chitloose has worms (in books that is) …
… I am so very annoyed!!! I started to read How I Escaped My Certain Fate. The Life and Deaths of a Stand-Up Comedian by Stewart Lee at the start of January. It was the book that I would read on the bus to distract me from noisy personal music players and potent bodily odour and I was thoroughly enjoying it (not the smells – the book you fool). And then, and sadly this sometimes can happen – I just stopped reading it. No reason or rhyme. Baa! I’m sure I will finish it one day – but I fear I may not be reading on the busses as I’m sure my public transport colleagues will notice and make the assumption that I am a very slow reader (for they have nothing else to think of as they wind their windy way to work in the morn). And as for Mythology – Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes, by Edith Hamilton, twas a lame attempt to “culture” myself. Well, do behave!
Miss C’s business:
“Tell me about your unfinished business”, said Miss H.
Unfinished business, Do I confess? And if I do, do I then have to finish it?
Truth be told I probably have more unfinished crafty bits than finished ones. My home is filled with beads, buttons, wool, paper, paint and body parts. I love things, bitty things, and so they are everywhere.
Of all the unfinished bits and bobs there is one I think about a lot. It’s the one piece that, more than any other, I would like to finish. So why don’t I, you ask, and the answer is I have no idea. It’s a tapestry that I started making for my youngest son before he was born. He is now 14! What makes it worse is that I finished the cross stitch sampler I made for his brother. I
I could still finish it. I could finish it and hang it on the wall in my bedroom, I could and maybe I will.
If you would like to share your hopelessness with us please send a picture of your Unfinished Business to either our facebook site or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org - The bestest one will win an exciting prize! Oh joy!